Hello Seattle

Hello bloggie. I'm sad. I was happy before. I mean Really happy. one of my friend, she used to be single just like me but now she got crush, no that word is not right. SHE HAS FOUND HER LOVE! LOVE PEOPLE LOVE! and i'm superbly happy for her. i'm seriously glad, i even dedicated a status for her and a french song! And today's weather is so so nice, i was smiling all the way when i went down to buy food. And suddenly something hit me. I had a little misunderstood with this guy and well, i cried. It really is a reality check. A slap on my face telling me to wake up, remember the fact that I'm cursed and i will not be in a relationship until God knows when- until I'm no longer cursed.

i wont tell you anything about this guy, it's quite dangerous to write it here but just so you know, i'm quite close to him now. i guess it's not a good thing. Remember that I'm an expert in chasing away guys from me? That's exactly what i did to him. i chase him out of my life. I cracked a joke. A stupid emo joke, pretending that I'm angry when the fact is i was just fooling around. He took it personally and seriously and BOOM, he ended the friendship. I was slammed by reality. I apologized so many times, he refused to accept it saying go away, he knows there are rumours about him, some not-so-good stories. I was like, whatttt? I didnt hear any story, i was completely shocked. then I concluded, yeah...it's the same curse again. It's the same magnet. the one that pushes guys away from me. It's automatic ya know...you don't even have to push the button. I hate this magnet. I hate this curse. i wish it would go away!!

My friend said that maybe, it's all in my mind. There's no magnet, there's no curse, it's just me. I dont know what to say to that. What? is it my fault that I joked but he cant understand it?? NO RIGHT?! if i cant blame him and cant blame me so i need something to put the blame on- the curse. the system is as simple as that. Then i learned my lessons.The thing is, i don't feel like I'm myself anymore..I slept at 4 or 5 Am the in morning every freakin day, I hardly see any sun anymore and my world has turned up side down! i hate that! I've become an owl for no reason! What is this?? if you like someone or think that maybe you've fall in love, yes your world will turn up side down but you feel happy about it and you know, everything becomes so fluffy and flowery and sweet and cute and you'll be smiling all day eventhou you dont see the sun but always see the moon and stars instead and yet! You feel perfectly fine. i dont feel that. I feel like I'm a different person. I feel stupid sometimes. It's hard to build the "me" today after all what i've been thru, and now i'm ruining "me" for the sake of a guy! yes, he didnt ask that. yes, nobody ask me to do that it's just ME! i think i may have problems with myself. i cant stop doing this thing i hate. I would refrain myself for a while from texting him or calling him or chatting with him but it lasted for a few hours and then i'll text, call and chat with him. I'm stupid. I knowwww!! So CLINGY man!! urrghhh! I hate this side of me. i mean, I used to be alone. I am used to be in my room, looking at the clouds and taking pictures when I'm bored or messing with ppl in Facebook. I dont used to this sleeping REAL late, and skipping meals, and waiting for him to online. I dont even appreciate little things anymore. i just, whatever with them...

I think I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I like the attention that he gave me, i like the fact that he's willing to spend some times listening or reading my ramblings and making jokes together. BUT, that's it. I like the company of him. I dont want to be in a relationship so i should stop behaving like I'm having one!! These whole conflicts that i'm having in my thoughts are really not good for me. I just want to be the me. I want to sit by the window, taking pictures, listening to music, smile and be happy. I want to see morning. afternoon, evening, night and late night but not the next early morning. I just miss being me. I've been single for almost 2 years now, what difference does it make if i stay single for a couple more years? Yes, i see my friends getting back together, found new love, being bored with the one she's having now but still madly in love, crushes here there...Ya, i feel lonely sometimes. Ya, i agree that sometimes I need a boyfriend. But the feeling will fade away the next morning..it always does. I'm happy with my crushes, the fact that i will easily fall for the cute guys I see on TV or daily life but hey, that keeps me going. This real relationship? It gets me changing. If it's for the better, I'm totally fine with it. If it makes my day brighter, the sun looks shinier, the winds whisper a melody, the sky hums along, the scarf flies in slow motion, the moon appears gigantic, time itself singing zobidubi (Okay all taken from 3 idiots film :P), it all means OKAY! I might have fall in real love! but no...it doesnt give me any of those. So i think maybe we should just stick as friends. yeah, that would be better. F.R.I.E.N.D.S! =)

p/s: They say, if it's a real love, you dont have to think, you dont have doubt, you dont have to worry if he's the one or not, you will just know it by heart. You will know it's him, your true love. but if you have doubt and stuff like that, well that's just show that maybe he's not the one for you. Love does not come from your thinking, it comes from the heart. It's like PAP! I think I'm in love. =)

CAMWHORING!!